POZlife

POZLife: Life from the Infected and Effected point of veiw.

Archive for March, 2006

The Great Equalizer

Posted by pozlife on March 30, 2006

As I sat , waiting in my aids clinic the other day I thought of an old saying " Age Is The Great Equalizer " . In this, the 21st century I think that it is not Age but "Aids" that is the great equalizer. As I gaze at the rainbow of color and gender of my fellow combatants , I see familiar faces . Some familiar from the old bar hoppin" days, others true brothers and sisters of the trenches, because I see me in their faces. Its the look, you know "THE LOOK" , the one I see some mornings in the mirror , it only comes along when I am on the verge of being ill. Hallow eyes ,yellow pasty skin ,they can't or want make eye contact , because if they don't see you, then none of this is real. When they do it is a pleading " I am gonna be OK, this is just a check up , Right? " in their yellowed eyes. Please Let it be just another appointment, check under the hood and kick the tires, check the oil and lube it up if you will. See if your t-cells and viral load are in good working order, if not, lets tune up that drug cocktail. I think all of us infected have been there.In that place we are all equal, all in need of human contact and hope. Being a country boy , I have to travel about an hour to my Doctor , an infectious disease specialist and my friend or so I like to think. He has kept me going for well over 13 years now and was also my lovers doctor. As a result of my hanging around on this side of ground I have noticed some things. The first is that most of my contemporaries are just fuckin' gone. My age is a factor in that (45) , when I made my first tipsy forays into man on man sex , condoms when considered kinky. Hell, the worst ,you got was a case of the clap and then it was off to city for a cure all. As Aids became more prevalent , we just thought " Hey it can't happen to me , I only fuck the people I know " and " I live in a small rural town, its not here". We forgot that fags love to travel and love to mark new territories. So people began to die , some did so just because they were ashamed , fear kept them form doctors and from even getting their meds filled ( word gets out in a small town ) . I was lucky ,the small pharmacy near me has been very nice and I have never heard word one. Most people in my small town, know that I am positive and gay. Now to the second thing, people ( gay men to be precise ) got tired of all the funerals and hospitals. They gave up their bed side manner and just simply turned a blind eye to all the death ,stopped going to all the funeral shindigs- out of site out of mind ! As a result gay men in the rural south are getting infected at alarming rates ! It still ,at times seems like " this is the south, so lets go out to the veranda and wait it out ". As a result of the small town life and the slim pickins of HIV POZ men in my own age group, even simple companionship is hard to find . I have learned to value every hug, every touch, from fiends and lovers both , but I must admit , I too am tired of cruising clinic waiting rooms for husband material.

POZlife

Powered by Qumana

0

0

Advertisements

Posted in HIV | Leave a Comment »

Call The Colonel , I Got Chicken Legs

Posted by pozlife on March 29, 2006

I turned 45 on March the 15th and in no way I do not think of myself as old , the first time my Doctor called me middle aged I want to knock the shit out of him. Yesterday as I swung my legs off the bed I looked down and my once hot legs were fuckin’ gone, someone had snuck in and replaced them with old man chicken legs in the middle of the night. At one time in my youth I had man stoppin’ legs, I just loved summer and would make up reasons to wear shorts . Needless to say this year I am going for the lose to the knee look. About 3 years ago I had Mitochondrial Toxicity , my legs began to hurt, then burn like they were on fire. I got out the heating pad, covered my thighs in enough deep heat that at first smell one would wonder if I were pickleing something and thought , " well at least I am alive , so don't bitch about the pain ". When I lost the ability to stand , I had no idea that the meds could cause anything like this and I thought at least I will enjoy running over people in my hover round. I had to be hospitalized for a few days and I was taken off all meds for about a year. To this day I still have pain ( it may never go away, because of the nerve and muscle damage ) it has made my neuropathy from the meds a constant tingly prescience. . I know I should try some forms of light exercise, but I am over 40 and damn it exercise tires me out and is damned boring ! All I could think of when I looked at my legs and then my arms , is my God ! I look like an egg with pipe cleaner arms and legs and a bobble head suck on top for good measure! At least gray hair is in fashion ( just look at CNN's gray haired Anderson Cooper makes my crotch jump ) Now hand me some cookies and put that work out DVD in ( what ever did happen to Eric Nies )

POZlife

Powered by QumanaEric In Bed

0

Posted in HIV | Leave a Comment »