POZLife: Life from the Infected and Effected point of veiw.

Laid Bare

Posted by pozlife on June 5, 2006

When you do a Google search for bareback sex , you get 2,740,000 results. Some for personals , some for hardcore porn. I wonder if the porn is the fuel for the personals, or is it the other way around ? As I look deep into this issue , I am not sure where I stand. I know as responsible , mature , HIV POZ person , I should be shouting the glories of safe sex , from bathhouses to back rooms all across the nation. In some ways I am stuck in my own little Stephen Kingish twisted tale of sex , taboos , carnal urges and just wanton need.

The combination of crystal and sex creates a combustible atmosphere in which all ideas of safe sex are suppressed , leading to high risk behaviors. In the post POZ years of my life , I have visited a few sex clubs .However, I adhered to what can at best be called marginal safe sex. No fucking ( no topping ), some oral, mostly me preforming and stimulating my voyeuristic needs ( I do love to watch ) . Do I feel shame ? Yes ! Despite the pure and simple fact that we all were in a sex club , all had offered their mouths, asses and any other orifice they could find up to anyone and anybody. I only had sex with the guys I saw take multiple loads of cum orally and anally , I am probably trying to justify my actions , but watching them had an animalistic eroticism ,I became fascinated by those guys. I also know that if you take multiple anonymous loads in the mouth or ass , you are gonna get an STD sooner or later. I did see one guy who had been fucked bare by at least 5 guys bareback ,go crazy when a guy failed to pull out when he came. I wanted to scream " You damn slut, HIV is in pre cum!" I also know a guy who goes to clubs , fucks bareback and blows a "silent" load and walks away, saying " I can't get off right now." If you don't want a load in you , then wrap it up or say no. If you offer any hole up bare , the person plowing it thinks you want a load. Guys in these sex clubs are drunk and fucked up. They do not want to know about STD's , nor do they want to ask. This is a fantasy place to most and asking just kills the fantasy. Hell, most only want the sex talk and the grunts, they could care less who or what you are.

I have in the intervening years dated HIV negative guys, but the possibility of giving the guy HIV , gave me such guilt that I never had sex with any of them. One even came off like a bug chaser ! I now date only POZ guys , but in my area most of the guys in my age group are gone or negative…It is also hard to start a relationship when both parties know that it could end by a graveside.

As a gay men from a certain time I was lucky. Back before AIDs ,there were clubs in every major city where, as a gay man I could go and have any need fulfilled. No other sect of sexuality in the 20th century basked in such hedonism, it was one great big sexual Disneyland . For the price of admission , you hopped on and rode the night away. The youth of today just may be looking for the same thing we found. The heart and soul of the sex clubs of old ,was more about gay men finding their sexuality and the brother hood of the love that dare not speak its name. Today , even in a world where the very Constitution may be changed to take rights away from people , most of us live in a somewhat more understanding world.

Is it reasonable of us to think that gay men have safe sex all the time. As I have often said -" condom sex was kinky when ,I first started doing the humpty dance. " Some say " when I am in a monogamous relationship so bareback sex will be safe ", well I am hear to tell you that you are placing your life in your partners hands. I will talk about this soon, but lets just say I got knocked up with the virus via a long time ( over 11 years ) lover, who swore he would never trick and if he did he would be safe. He is dead now ,in the wake of finding out his HIV status at the hospital, as he was about to die. I lost all since of self and trust in anyone. He died two days after he told me , on my Moms birthday. Hurry get the cake and a card , its time to celebrate…..Yea right!

So we preach safe sex , but if people follow our rants , then entire age groups will never have condomless sex. Aren't we turning bareback sex into a taboo , by that making it a fetish? As most of us well know , tell someone not to do something long enough and what happens ? It festers in their mind until that is all they can think about. As a result bareback sex is becoming a full fledge sub culture, stimulated by crystal , propelled by adult video, the Internet and the reemergence of sex clubs.

We have drug companies that show healthy studs in the prime of their lives ,telling us "I just take one a day and I am fine." Why cant these companies show the truth, guys running to the bathroom, walking the floors at night because they can not sleep, heads the size of watermelons because of fatty deposits, stick arms and legs from muscle loss and a big round belly…..well that just don't sell the drug now does it ? So should we be surprised when some guys say " well I can just get on the cocktail."

We also have the new emerging homosexual, usually from a small town , where he never fit in. He starts going out , sees all these guys that have friends asking about them , hugging them and talking to them with real concern. They see guys in clubs who use HIV as part of their sexuality, the object of their night of partying is to convert someone. The new guys just want to fit it , for once in their life they want to be part of the "in crowd " and after all they are gay and they are going to get it anyway. A bug chaser is born.

Youth plays a hand in this as well. We have all heard the saying " he thinks he is immortal", most of these guys have just emerged from their cocoons into their true selves , some becoming entirely new people. They are young , they are invincible , nothing can happen to them.

Once I read that Chi Chi LaRue would never use preforms who have bareback sex. How does Chi Chi know what a performer does in his personal life , for that matter what the guy does when he escorts ( where most porn stars make their big money ) and Johns will pay more for some bare tail. I know for a fact that Jerek was at one time featured on Chi Chi live " house mates" web site and Jerek has been bareback in porn for a while "Raw ,Wet and Deep " for Dick Wadd studios for one and Chi Chi holds the title for Key West Dudes ( this was a house with cams and plenty of bareback sex ), so even the people that promote safe sex , make money off of bareback sex . Many big name stars are making the switch Sean Storm, Brad McGuire , Jeff Palmer, are just a few barebackers and Michael Brandon is getting close. He has eaten several loads in Raging Stallion movies "Pokin' In The BoysRoom" to name one.

There has become a market for bareback sex. It is not the sex of old porn movies , where guys pulled out to show the money shot. Now the point of the film is the eroticism of taking the load. It turns the sex act itself into an offering of ones ass or mouth as a receptacle for cum. Hell, I have seen movies like " Dawson's 50 Load weekend" , where guys collect cum and have it injected or funneled up their ass. Also the very hepatitis friendly act of felching is very popular in these films.

We have turned cum into a drug , with the penis itself as the injector and we watch as guys beg for seed for their ass. In "Fucking Crazy" Max Holden is the subject of a gang bang ,him being the only bottom at the party. The last part of the film Max talks to the camera in a interview type style, he tells us that the rules were, if you came at the party it had to be in his mouth or ass , he also turns the sperm into a drug by saying " after I get that first load I just go over the edge into pig out mode." He also states that most of the time after one of these paid bottom ( or so I gather ) parties he goes out and gets fucked some more.

Now for my quandary , will I ever have bareback sex again , I to be honest ,do not know. I do know that it will be a decision made by both partners and if I do the person I am with will be POZ . I try to have sort of an AA approach to sex, I stay out of places where I know carnal temptation rears its one-eyed head. I am lucky close to me all we have are " Stand and Model" twink gay bars , so to go to a true cruse bar I would have to drive about 2 hours . I hate " Stand and Model" bars ,so I just stay my ass at home. I have no sexual partner at this time , so I watch a lot of porn , there in lays my big conundrum. Hard as I may fight it, I find the new bareback porn to be very erotic and it makes a 45 year old HIV POZ man hard as a rock and ready to launch his rocket. Am I fueling bareback sex by watching this porn and by watching it do I therefor make said porn popular. What is this raw porn telling young guys , is it showing them that , hey , you can look good have loads of raw sex and be OK . Am I helping to make bareback fantasy's more available and visually stimulating to guys , giving them an avenue for further foraies into bareback sex.

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2 Responses to “Laid Bare”

  1. I would not even know where to start with this post. I fell into that mode of barebacking sex with drugs. Those days are over. I’m a long timer over twenty years, so I don’t know if my resistance profile is related to barebacking or my unhealthy lifestyle and compliance issues.

    My ways have changed now, and one of the big things not talked about is HCV, and it is sexually transmitted. I’m working to just make it with all the meds etc that I have now, that would throw me over the edge.

    Ever since I found out my status back in the mid 80s, my bf was negative, and 99 percent have been negative. Two were long term relationships. We had sex in the same way I did before I foudn out. Condoms for fucking and thats it. Pretty simple. No seroconversions in over ten years of serodiscordant relationships. It was just part of the package of things to get used to when I found out.

    My prediction is that there will be a second wave of deaths of those who managed to get on the cocktail and then fuck it up with all the bare sex and drugs. Guys are already getting infected with drug resistant strains.

    In the end people have to live with their choices, but I’d like to sit down every negative gay man, even positive to watch that frontline special the other night of what it was like back then in the beginning.

    We fought because our lives were on the line, and now I watch gay men of today just throw it all away.

  2. P.S. I do find the porn though really hot and share you feelings around thatl.

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