POZLife: Life from the Infected and Effected point of veiw.


Posted by pozlife on August 14, 2006

Well I have not posted as much as I would have liked in the last few days , I have been deeply depressed. I am not sure if it is the HIV meds, diabetic meds or the neuropathy meds , but I have not had a whole day in weeks that I felt good. My neuropathy has gotten bad and has moved to my hands now. My right hand is almost all numb all the time , I try and look on the bright side. When I beat off it is like another person is doing it! The depression could steam from being raised in an alcoholic household and many children of substance abuse suffer from depression, low self worth, addictive behaviors and often are enablers. My Mom went to visit her sister so I am going over to mom and dads often to look after dad ( he was an alcoholic for about 40 years stopped 5 years ago ). Mom is kind of the buffer between me and dad , he never has accepted my life. That and the fact that my mom does everything for him, made this a hard week for me. I have had to grocery shop for him, he just picks up what he wants and never looks at the information on the package. He is an insulin dependent diabetic and very over weight(350 Lbs ). To him his drinking hurt no one, he never missed a day of work , but after work he was never around for me. With mom gone , I see what things would be like without her. Being an only child I wonder who will be there for me if I out live them.

I am one of those people who can be alone and not be lonely , I think a lot of people with no siblings are that way . I learned to escape my world with books long ago, they have been friends to me when I had no one to talk to about substance abuse, being gay or any of the other things you need a parent to talk to about. I know I could have talked to my Mom , but she was in an alcoholic relationship……I knew she had so much going on that I often hide things from her.

Now as I am back in rural NC and not in a place where gay men tend to conglomerate , I have started to have an almost physical need for human touch. The last time anyone really touched me was when I was in the hospital and I had one nurse. She of , big quaffed hair , heavy make up, long lacquered nails and a harsh Jersey accent. She was like the whore with the heart of gold , every time she came into my room she touched me. It was strange because the first few times I jumped , I was that unaccustomed to human touch.

Now part of my depression is that need for human touch and yes there is a great sexual need there as well. I do not know why , but I keep thinking MR. Right is going to ring my bell one day….I guess that is why I keep calling repair men ! I crave someone to share with , to live with and to fight with , is not conflict part of passion. On most days the inner only child in me wins and I do not mind being alone in my struggle. On other days the pure physical need is like an aching in my very bones….if it were not for my Incredimail friends I would be lost. If you like collect IM I am that Shaggy!

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